What is the elephant in the room? Is there something stressing you out leading up to the wedding day? We dive into why it is so important to identify before your wedding day. These topics definitely are not the best parts of the planning process, but they are extremely important to identify BEFORE the wedding day. That way, if it comes up, you know how it can be handled.

WHAT IS THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM?

What is something that is stressing you out leading up to your wedding day? An elephant in the room can be anything that makes you uncomfortable, anxious, sad, depressed or worried, and it could affect your wedding day.  It could be something that is not totally in your control, but also completely out of your control. There is no right or wrong answer. It is something in your life that is personal and could affect a happy and joyful day.

EXAMPLES TO WHAT COULD BE THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM

  • Parents divorced and are not civil with one another
  • An ex could show up and start trouble
  • A family member is no longer with us
  • A sudden death in the family
  • Someone who drinks to much
  • Sibling you don’t have a relationship with
  • A fight between the bridal party
  • … and so much more

“When there is an elephant in the room, introduce him” – Randy Pausch 

WHY IT’S IMPORTANT TO IDENTIFY THE ELEPHANT

As Wedding Planners, we see this time and time again. We ask our clients upon every first consultation, what is your “elephant in the room”. Sometimes a client will just blurt out their worries, others will say everything is mostly OK, and some of our clients don’t say anything at first, but as time goes on, we learn there is a big elephant! Remember,  the elephant can be anything. But it’s important to identify it, so we can work with you to figure out the best way to approach and handle it. Whether it’s before the wedding, or on the wedding day itself.

HOW TO PREPARE FOR SOME ELEPHANTS

DIVORCED PARENTS

The thought of having your parents in a room together can be pretty daunting, especially if it’s been some time they have been apart. We find there is a few options that really help with this:

  • Have a conversation with each parent before the wedding, and get serious. Dive into those uncomfortable topics. Sometimes it’s OK, sometimes it’s not. It’s really case by case, but at least a conversation happens BEFORE the wedding.
  • Make sure your parents feel included to the level you want them to be. Divorce creates a divide, therefore the feeling of one parent getting more attention or spotlight over the other can cause conflict. Balance the scale to their level of comfort.
  • Ask both parents if they want to give a speech separately. Both parents should have the opportunity to say something for their kid, or decline the opportunity at their choice.
  • Involve their spouse IF YOU WANT TO. If a step parent has helped raised you, find a way to include them. There are so many creative ways to make this happen. Just because you aren’t biologically related, doesn’t mean they didn’t have a hand in being a parent to you.
  • Sit them at different tables opposite sides of the room if it’s bad.
  • Have a family photo list WITH NAMES. The worst is the photographer getting mom and dad in the shot together if it’s not something you want. Make sure you have a very detailed list so the level of awkwardness can be a minimum.
  • Some split families totally get along and that’s awesome! Just let your planner know so they don’t leave anyone out by accident! Everyone is important to you on your day, and it’s important to us!

DEATH IN THE FAMILY

A death can be interpreted in so many ways. There is no right or wrong way to feel about it. Your feelings are valid. Remember – at the end of the day, it’s a wedding. A joyous occasion. The day shouldn’t be focused on a passed loved one, but there are ways to honour them.

  • Consider how sudden is the death. This affects the grieving period.
  • How did the loved one pass. For example, if it was due to cancer, considering donating in lieu of guest favours to the Cancer Foundation in honour of the loved one.
  • For larger pieces of the wedding such as photos, and dances, the vendors need to know. The wedding should be happy. If a parent is no longer with you, there’s nothing more uncomfortable than a vendor asking for that parent in the moment.
  • Have a space or an area for this loved one to be honoured. You can do a memory table, angel wings at a chair or a candle with a place card.
  • If you need a moment to collect your emotions on the wedding day, just step back and find a private space to have those feelings, and then return to the wedding. It’s hard to push through the tears, when you have 100 concerned guests come up to you asking if you are ok.

NON TRADITIONAL FAMILY

We work with so many different types of families, and we love it! It’s not an elephant, but it is something to talk to your planner about. For example, one of our Bride’s was raised by her mom, so her mom walked her down the aisle. Her mom was very special to her, so she highlighted her a lot in her speech and the wedding day. Another of our Groom’s didn’t have a relationship with his father, but his uncle was like a father to him. In our notes, we know him as ‘Dad’ and he is the one being honoured that day as the Father of the Groom.

These individuals in your life are important, and it shouldn’t matter the label but more the connection to you on your wedding day.

TROUBLE MAKERS

These are the folks you have to watch out for! And, the best thing to do is to provide a photo to your Planner ahead of time. We also ask that someone in the wedding, perhaps a groomsmen, cousin, whomever, help identify that person if they show up or are going down the wrong lane of fun at the wedding day. This way, the metaphorical fire can be put out or not even lit if the Planner, or your bouncer, or friend/family member can remove them from your wedding day. The day is about you, and not some selfish bonehead that thinks they are number one.

EMOTIONS ARE OK

It is your wedding day. You can have big feelings, emotions and feel the way you want to feel. Remember to talk this out with your partner and planner. Even talking about it before the wedding day. Consider it a mini rant-session, or a way to work through those feelings. You feel better at the end and bring you some clarity.

Cover photo credit: Lumiere Photo